Monday, October 30, 2000

Dear Diary,

Today I made speech power again. This time in TV. I saids that I will make...whatchamacalit again?
I will make "sweeping reforms". I will sweep away the reforms. That did not sound right. What the hay.

My sweeping reforms have five points:

1. I will hold a meeting so we can meet about how to solve this crisis. That old far...I mean, the senior politician Ramos is invited
2. I will hold a meeting with Gloria so she can be in charge of the economics. So they won't blame me for a change.
3. I will hold a meeting with my relatives so they can get out of these corporations. They're worthless now, anyway.
4. I forgot about number four.

Saturday, October 28, 2000

Dear Diary,

Buti na lang there is storm this weekend. No new protest action. No new mansion of mine being discovered. Even the weather is on my side.

I think I'll just stay in bed and make sweet love to my dearest Loi. Its too much hassle to go to my other wives in this weather.

I have a full, healthy, sex life. Unlike that old fart Ramos. How about thats, Fidel? I bets you and Ming can barely stir in bed. Hahaha! I am so funny.

Friday, October 27, 2000

Dear Diary,

The opposition formed a united front. It's called the United Opposition Front. Pwe!

Don't they know it's a futile efforts? Why, I have most of Congress with me! I know who's behind this. It's that old fart Ramos again. It's that Promdisyano Osmena's pakana. Anak ng Jue.. ehem...Sama ka beach!

Those guys really don't know what they're doing. What a terrible name: 'opposition'. The peoples aren't that dumb. They know what it means! It means to oppose. In Tagalog, kontra! So ibig sabihin, sila ang kontrabida! So sino ba kalaban ng kontrabida? Edi bida! Sino ba kalaban nila? By golly, edi ako! Ako ang bida! Alam ng tao yan!

Hirap kasi ng iba di nagbabasa ng script.

Galing ko talaga. Yeh!
Dear Diary,

Happy news! Now that the pesos is 51 to a dollar, I come closer to achieving my goal. The day that we become a hundred to one is a glorious (bad word...reminds me of someone)...happy day.

Imagine, the peso would be getting good odds 100 : 1 !
Yes! You can never find betterer odds than that.
Dear Diary,

Some of my employees resigned today. They say I have lost my moral authority to govern. What the hell is that? Moral authority?

My economic advisers told me that the exchange rate is now 51 pesos for every dollar. Betterer and betterer!

They say there is a crisis in confidence. How can that be? I am still confident. This is all going to be betterer, right?


Thursday, October 26, 2000

Dear Diary,

I made speech power today. I feel a bit better now. I have a summary execution below:

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome.

Because of my brilliant leadership and the support of my beloved Filipino people, we are finally rescued the three Malaysian hostages. 17 down, 2 more to go. 50 dollars, 1 peso. Yeh!

Congratulations to me and the brave, bold, soldiers of the Armed Forces of the Philippines. Due to our quick,decisive action and superior stratosphere, the tens of thousands of soldiers were able to corner and incapacity the armed bandits.

This is truly a sign from above. Erap Good. Gloria Bad. Yeh!

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Dear Diary,

Today I gots email from my science and technology advisor, who is my drinking buddy. The email told me about elagda. Stupid fools. They misppell ilagda! Who in their right mind will want to click this link?

This site wants 1 million people to prove that i must resign. But I will not resign! Erap para sa mahirap! Yeh!

I have so many, many emenies now, dear diary. So many I can no longer count them with my fingers. I have more enemies than wives now, which is bad.

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

Dear Diary,

I just thought about it. I am more inclined not to get the puppy. I'll be adding fadder...pader...fodeer...amonition...ammuu...I might be adding bala for them. Imagine they'll be calling the puppy "Tuta ni Erap." Poor doggie.

Good thing I have foreskin. I was able to think ahead. With a mind like mine, it's scary.
Dear Diary,

I do not see the fuss over Boracay and the other houses I own. I mean a man's house is his castle diba? So that means as the cliche went, why not have a castle? Yes often times I have a White Castle but that is not an issue. Mistress are human beings too. They need houses where they can sleep but a house is no good if you can't sleep in it. By golly, I don't understand. It's their basic human rights to have homes. They have feelings too. See? I'm a sensitive person. I'm a giving person.

Speaking of which my kumpare Atong is giving me a puppy I think. I'm not sure if I'm going to accept it though. Those misrepresantathieves might think it's a bribe. I haven't seen it. It's strange kasi...he kept saying it's a big surprise pero di niya ko maloloko. But over the phone Atong kept saying "It's a big puppy."

Which is really a hassle. I need to know how big the puppy is because I need to find a house for it. Probably in the Mandaluyong area again.

Monday, October 23, 2000

Dear Diary,

Things are still bad for me, Dear Diary. Its all too many problem sometimes. I want a puppy, a soft brown puppy dog and with brown puppy eyes. Oh puppy, puppy, puppy...

Ehem. Today some accountant arrived from the states to talk about my involvement supposed in that @$#%*! scandal. Shit! Wouldn't they give it a rest for me already?

Friday, October 20, 2000

Dear Diary,

I..Me...Ako...(I'm so proud) finally figured out what causeds the brownout. I told my advisors "Shut down PAGCOR." They thought I said "Shut down NAPOCOR."

I am surrounded by idiotses. No wonder I'm in hot water.

Tomorrow I shall idiot proof the government: I shall issue a memoranda...memorandum...a memo that from then on no government institution shall end with the same last three letters.
Dear Diary,

There was blackout in the whole Luzon today. I went parachute. I thought those idiots would finally do something idiotic. "Coup! coup!" I cry to my dear wife Loi. "They cut the power from the palace! They're going to take my mistresses and my townhouses and ship me to Hawaii!!! Aaaarrrgh! The dark!"

Then my dearest Loi slapped me in the face. She told me i am an idiot. I just forgot to turn the switches on again. There is generators in my palace.

But the whole Luzon had no power. Maybe it was because of the gelatin fishes again. Damn those gelatin fishes. Maybe they are being controlled by my idiot enemies. But I know what they are thinking. Hahaha. I am so smart.

Thursday, October 19, 2000

Dear Diary,

How could that old prude Cory, and that old fart Ramos call me to resign? The people still loves me.

Yesterday I visited my beloved Filipino people, in Commonwealth Avenue. They all shout my name and promise to support me. Erap para sa mahirap! I will not resign! Screw Singson! Yeh!

They are so good, the Filipino people of Commonwealth Avenue. That is the reason I gave them land titles and cash. Thanks God for the Presidential Livelihood Fund.
Dear Diary,

I am writing to you again. My friends me of abandoning them. First there's Mark Jimenez. I helped him. I helped him a lot. Now he accusing me of dropping him. How should I know? It's not my problem anymore that
he will be extradate...ekstra...extrada...will be brought to the States. It's his problem anymore.

Honestly, I thought he was Joyce Jimenez's brother. That's why he became my friend. He misrepresented himselves you know? Like those congressmen. The shouldn't be called representatives. They should be called misrepresentatives. Ha.ha.ha. I am so witty. That's why I'm president.
Dear Diary,

It's been some times since i wrote on you, Diary. As a matter of fact, it has been a while since I last wrote anything at all. Or read, for that matter.

I am writing to you again, Dear Diary, because of what is happening the past few days. I am so sad, Dear Diary. Things are so bad for me.

Yesterday, these %$#@* congressmen filed a case to impeach me. IMPEACH ME!!! The President of the Republic of the Philippines. They are so idiots, these congressmen. That is why they are only congressmen, and I'm the President. They're just angry because I am not giving them enough money for their district, and their townhouses and their mistresses. Well, d-oh! I have townhouses and mistresses too, you know. You
don't see me whining about how hard it is to make a living these days. If they want some money, they should gamble for it themselves.