Thursday, December 28, 2000

Dear Diary,

That prosecution thinks they have outsmarted me. They don't know I have many bombshells of my own.

You know, this morning in the bathroom I realized I can see my feet again. This impeachment trial has made me lose weight.

Hired Maceda as my official spokesman. What a good, jolly fellow this Maceda is. Always on the defense. Always with something sharp to say against my enemies. I swear I will name my next child after him.

Tuesday, December 26, 2000

Dear Diary,

I am so exhaust pipe after christmas. I never realized I had so many family. All those children. All those godchildren. All those wives.
My families support me all the way. They honestly believe that I can support all of them in style with my salary as president and my clean, valid business adventures.
They honestly believe that I had nothing to do with jueteng money. I am an honest, simple man. One life. One (real) wife. One signature.

Told Loi I'd be late in Malacanang tonight. Busy with many many papers. Went to Laarni.

My simple wish this holiday season, is for national unity, economic recovery, and that surprise witness on a stick.

Wednesday, December 20, 2000

Dear Diary,

Maybe putting my money in banks is a bad idea. I donts trust bankers anymore. First they play with your money, and then they spill your beans.

Sunday, December 17, 2000

Dear Diary,

What a clifhanger . Those senator-judges will hold a cactus to determine whether or not to open that Valhalla guy's bank records. This must be what they call trial by ordeal. Whew! It is so very hot in here don't you agree? I need a cold, tall glass of brew. Whew!

I wonder what that crazy prosecution panel will do next? Hire a bloke to trace my signature? How funny. But I have so very many signatures. One for every of my women. Yeh! I especially like the one for Laarni, with an extra flair in the tail. Yeh bebeh!!!

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow, at the impeachment trial the presiding justice, Hilarious Davide will make a decision weather-weather he'll allow the opening of the Equitable bank account of Valhalla. hehehe

Little do they know that a surprise awaits them. Mwehehehe...

Meanwhile, di na ko mapakali ever since hindi na ako nag susugal, umiinom at loob ng Malacanag. Sana matapos na to para balik ang saya.

Friday, December 15, 2000

Dear Diary,

So the United States has a president at last. I knew it was Bush all along. He is a man after my own heart, and my rival in sheer wit and intelligence. Here's to youre victory, my friend.

And now for that @#^%*! impeachment trial. Now they are getting private prosecutors against me as well. It's not fair! Gaya gaya sila. I am entitled to a lousy prosecution. Ang daya naman. Good thing I still have my boys in the house of misrepresentatives...

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

Dear Diary,

I have commuted so many many death sentences into life imprisonment. I have thought about this matter carefully. No one deserves to die by human hands, no matter how big the crime. They deserve to rot in our inhumane, state-run prisons. Also, I urged congress to consider removing the death penalty. You see? You see? I am
a moral and god-fearing man. That ought to shut up those bishops. And get the media off this trial for a while.

You know, this trial is so boring. I try to watch it on TV but they keep speaking with latin words like manifest and objection. These lawyers are so weird. And expensive too. Did you know that I got the best lawyers that money could buy? Good thing I have lots of money left (in banks, of course).

Sunday, December 10, 2000

Dear Diary,

Damn those Germans. This magazine they call There Eagle, it says that I pocketed 8 million dollars from the Abu Sayyaf ransom.
@$%^! How can I pocket 8 million dollars? What kind of idiot would put 8 million dollars in his pocket?Not me. It's in the bank, just like Chavit's jueteng money. Earning interest and funding more Erap Cities for my filipino people. I'm just so smart.

I hate those Germans. First they invade the country in World War 2 and now this? I swear, no more budweiser and carlsberg for me. Only pinoy beers from now on.

Saturday, December 09, 2000

Dear Diary,

At the trial they tagged my son Jinggoy as a gambling lord. @$*&#!. Why are they doing this to him?
He's a good son, as good as any of my other sons from other women. Looks like me too. So he can't be all that bad.
But then there's the matter of Jude...

Read my lips: There is no thief in my clan.

Friday, December 08, 2000

Dear Diary,

This trial is getting interesting. First they compare me to Caesar (the roman , not the pizza) and now they think I am Valhalla. Such idiotses in the prosecution. I can't be Valhalla. I'm not muslim!

Come to think of it, am I even catholic? What the hey. I still celebrate Xmas. So that must count.

My lawyers insist that I should stay away from the trial as much as possible. They won't let me testify, they said it was for my own good, we don't want another episode like that presscon with the international media. That was a close one. And of course, I'm going to be a good boy and follow my lawyers advise.

Thursday, December 07, 2000

Dear Diary,

Today my impeachment trial finally began. That Joker Arroyo called me a thief. How dare him. Bakbakan na lang.
I challenge him to mortal combat!

I want this trial over before christmas. That's why I insist on railroa...accelerating the proceedings. Marami pa akong
anak at inaanak. And it's so very hard to give them Ford Explorers and houses with this bitch of a trial going on.
How can I show my spirit of giving?

Tuesday, December 05, 2000

Dear Diary,

Again, I am being attacked at all sides. Sideways, frontways and besides. I found this website called GIN. Edi siyempre pinuntahan ko kasi nga GIN eh. I thought they'll be giving away bottles of gin. I thought they had contest like that one where if you electrocute the moving monkey you get a prize. Hehe. That game was funny. Hehe. Unbeknownst to me at higit sa lahat hindi ko alam, GIN stood for Guerilla Information Network. By golly! It wasn't monkeys! It was a bunch of guerillas!

Monday, December 04, 2000

Dear Diary,

It's been some time since I last wrote. Tsk tsk. The matter of fact is that I was so very busy the past few days. Let me see my agenda:

1. Discredit the opposition.
2. Whitewash.
3. Discredit the opposition.
4. Whitewash.
5. Find Bubby Dacer
6. Whitewash.
7. "Acting lessons" with my lawyers (it is going to be my best performance yet!)
8. More whitewash.
9. And join the Couples for Christ.Yeh!

Oh. My lawyers are calling me already. Time for practice. This is the scene where I blame it all on Emilio Aguinaldo. I never liked the guy, anyway. Ciao!