Dear Diary,

Today I asked my Secretary of Science to stay until the end of the year. Sayang naman. He's a computer guy, and I wanted him to teach me how to do this Interweb thing.
I want to learn Flash. It's so very very pretty, my golly.

The economy is growing despite the political turni...turbo...turm...kahit na magulo. Why, you ask? That's because I'm such a great leader, that's why.
You don't believe me? Look at the numbers. I did them myself with this Powerpoint thing in my computer.

Dear Diary,

My move to squash the impeachment proceedings failed! My gulay! Mga anak ng patola yang mga letsugas na senador! May balak pa ata akong pagtanimin ng kamote!

Speaking of patola, I should remind Ping that if he's going to use girls like that 'Mata Hari' person, make sure they're photogenic and should have a picture taken with me. I'll sign pa an autograph by golly.

Dear Diary,

Where in the world is Bubby Dacer? And why is his name spelled like that? Oh where oh where could Bubby Dacer be?
My Bubby is over the ocean. My Bubby is over the sea. Oh bring back my Bubby to me, to me. Thanks you, thanks you very much.

This Bubby affair is getting me all confused. I think this is a trap by the opposition. A Bubby trap. HAHAHAHA! Gets that? Geez, I'm just so funny.

Dear Diary,

Dids you really think I was serious when I saids I was willing to face my impeachment trial? Of course not, choco-nut!
I'm going to have the case dismissed as soon as possible! Then I'm going to do a switcheroo and impeach Gloria! How's that for a fast one, shortcakes? Hahaha! I wins. You lose. Yeh!

And then, one of the generals in my police said that they were demoralize. Tsk tsk. More of this moral moral thing I don't understand. So my chief police Lacson sacked him. I guess you're more demoralized now, huh? Good job, Ping Lacson! Here, have a dog biscuit. Good boy!

And even more good news: They caught an NPA rebel trying to bomb my palace. The guy tried to walk through the gate with a coke bottle loaded with homemade explosives (ooohhh...I'm so scared, it was a 1.5 litro bottle). Not only that, but he brought with him a list of all the plans of those demmit rebels. He must be such an idiot to be walking around with that plan. All those rebels must be idiotses. They can't even topple a stack of plates, if they tried. Yeh!

Dear Diary,

The Marcos loyalist decided to dump me too. They said they were hurts because I called their dead president a dictator. They said that 1) Ferdinand Marcos is NOT dead, because they have seen him with Elvis and 2) he was not a dictator. Duh! I was misquoted! What I meant to say was, I want Chavit in the incenerator. Ang labo naman...

Also the senate summoned me and now I have to defend myself. So right now I'm very busy preparing my defense:

10. I did not inhale.
9. I have money coming out of my wazoo.
8. My parents used to beat me as a kid.
7. My wife used to beat me too.
6. It was my predices...predeses...pre...It was Ramos' fault.
5. It was Gloria's fault.
4. The devil mades me do it.
3. Aliens planted the money.
2. Really, I planned to put those #@*%! moros to school anytime soon...

and finally,

1. I swear she tolds me she was eighteen!

Dear Diary,

I hates Monday. Today the impeachment trial finally began. I leave my fate to God. Yes, that's it! God Save The King.
God Save The Dolphins. God Save Erap! Hmmm. Wonderful title for a movie. I better call my good friend Carlo Caparas. It can be the film adoption of my dramatic life as a
historic president, starring Erap as Erap. Joyce Jimenez can play my dear Loi. Yeh!

Dear Diary,

At least something good came out of this Brunei trip. I'm getting tired of looking at the Sultan. His bigote is better than mine.

Anyways, President Clinton congratulates me for upholding the constitutional process. If you remember right, cause I remember you, he was also impeached by his congress. By golly those congressman have nothing better to do than to impeach presidents! He got into trouble because of that Lewinsky girl. If you ask me she was kinda of fat. And at the Oval Office too!

Unlike me, my mistresses...er...friends are all sexy. (Note: call Lucio and arrange for a PAL flight home) And I don't have to do it at the Palace! Lucky I have houses for them.

*sigh*

I miss the Philippines.

Dear Diary,

I was so sad in Brunei, being away from my beloved Pilipino people. And there were few people there to send me off. Where are all my fans?
My friends? No one appreciates me no more. But then one reporter waved to me and shouted "Mr. President! Mr President!" to me. I overflowed with happiness and went to the reporter. He was asking for an interview for an international publication. I tolds him that I don't like Time and Newsweek anymore, because they are unfairs to me. The reporter saids it alright and showed me the magazine, called Mad---it has so many pictures, so I liked it a lot. I said okay and gave him my interview. This will recover my international credibility. Yeh!

Dear Diary,

Hello? Is this working now? Diary? Hello?

Today I am writing from Brunei. I'm going to meet with other great leaders like me. And we're going to talk about the home economics. No sweat. That was always my best subject. I'm going to impress them. Yeh!

They gave me this laptop computer so I can write to you, Dear Diary. So I puts it in my lap. But where do I puts the plug? I trieds all the holes in my body and...nothing. How can I write to my diary? How can I use my Interweb and surf in the net pages? Good thing my dearest Loi slapped me again and helped me. She always knows more about electricity. That's why she's my one and only...that's true. Now if only I can remember my Laarni's e-mail address. Can't wait to give you some loving baby...yeh!

Dear Diary,

Today they are having this big rally all over the country. And so I can't go out and play...play ma-jong and tong-its and blakdyak.
This really sucks. And I don't want to watch tv because it's all about the rally and my impeachment. I can't still believe it...

But at least I got that Drilon and that Villar out of the way ( I tolds you I'd make you pay! Wax my nosehairs, losers!!! ). I still control both houses of congress. After all, I already have lots of houses, and two more would not hurt.

Dear Diary,

So the House impeached me already. I'm so sad, diary. I thought I would have gotten rid of that Villar but no...
he pulled a fast one. He imitated me and ignored the misrepresentatives calling for a motion from the floor.

Inuman na lang kami ni Atong at Lucio mamya...

Dear Diary,

Namputcha! How did these people find out about my secret diary? Secret nga eh! I only writes in my personal computer. How come they were able to see it? By golly, I'm being bugged by my enemies. Probably by that old fart Ramos and his friend
Almonte.

That Inquirer is really getting on my nerbs. Everytime I read it, I get nerbyos.

Dear Diary,

So tired but happy today. I just had a really, really big rally of my own. 1.2 million people attends!
HAHAHAHA! Hows that, Cardinal Sin? Eat my boxers, loser boy! And I didn't even have to rent the crowd, like before. I just
had to give their leaders a couple of log cabins and ka-ching, they wills follow me to the end of the earth. So many suck...er, supporters. Hehe. One born every minute, and they all on my side.

But I forgets. It was not supposed to be a political rally. Just prayer. So I prayed for Gloria and the opposition. I prayed for them to leave the country. Religion is so cool. If I wasn't president I should have been a great spiritual leader, like that papaya-patollah guy in Iran. Whatever happened to him?

Dear Diary,

Can I tells you a secret? Do you know that prickly feeling behind your neck? I don't have that feeling. I wonder why. Come to think of it, I can't see my neck anymore.

Actually, I did take that 200 million pesos bribe from my ex-friend Chavit Singson. I deposited it in the bank for safekeeping. Its still intacts, you know. I did not spend a single centavo. But so whats? Its just like my good friend Bill Clinton, who smoked marijuana, but did not inhale. So I guess I'm safe, right? That's what I will tell the senators if they try to impeach me. I did not inhale the money, so tama na already. No harm, no foul. right?

I'm just so smart.

Dear Diary,

I'm writing an email today. It's in congratulations to the new President of da U.S. As of this time, they're holding a recount. You see? That's one way we are efficient in this country. It's their electoral college which is the trouble. Look at me, not even college yet I'm president! No way we do recount here. Their recount would end business hours Thursday. A recount in the Philippines will take say...four-five years minimum. Besides that, we have the dagdag-bawas method. So no way there will be a recount here. Just ask my friend Miriam.

Anyway, I need to write an email. Something which should be applicable to both candidates in case one of them wins. Tinatamad na ko magsulat ng bago eh so dapat generic.

I should congratulate Al Gore for inventing the Internet. By golly, he must be smarter than me to invent the Internet. I don't know what I would do if I don't have Internet.

If Bush should win, I should congratulate him for looking so young! I wonder what he is taking to look that way. By golly, when he was vice-president of my idol Reagan he already had white hair. I wonder what did he did? I should ask for the name of his physicist...physeesyan...phyic...the name of his doctor. That way I can get more chicks if I look like more pogi.

Dear Diary,

And so I helds my National Security Council meeting. Ramos sat besides me. I thought he would just sit there, and agree to me like any good old fart...I mean senior adviser. Then he told to my face: Reform or Resign. What a thick face, telling me that. Of course I won't reform. And of course I will not resign. Nope. No chance. No way. Hindeh!

Dear Diary,

Now I'm really mad. I just discovered something.

The Edsa rally was a political rally!

They could not fools me.

At alam ko na rin ang nagkakalat ng mga kabastusan sa akin!

"This is the handiwork of big capitalists in Makati who contributed money to the rally. They have press relations firms to put out messages on the Internet and text-messaging networks."

At tinanong pa nila kung si Cory at Ramos "behind such a setup" aba siyempre sinagot ko:

"Wala, di ko masabi yan kung nasa likod sila, nasa harap sila. Palagay ko, sa harap. Nag-endorse kahapon sino ang susunod na Presidente, di pulitika yan."

Grabe ang smart ko talaga. Wow.

Dear Diary,

I am still very much shock absorber. All my friends. All my drinking buddies. All my poker pals in Congress. They signed that @$%#*!!! motion to impeach me. IMPEACH ME! The President of the Republic of the Philippines. They left my party. They said they are defecting to the opposition. I think that means they are defective. They are defective friends to me. I am hurts.

Why? Why? Why? Did I not satisfy them as a godfather? Did I not give them funds for their townhouses too?. Did I not cover up their little scams? Huh? One of these days I will make them pay. Especially that Villar and that Drilon.

And now that United Opposition is going to have a rally in EDSA. They say more than 100,000 people will attend. I am not sure if I can print enough land titles to match that. @$%^*!!!

What a depressing day, Dear Diary. I will get a bottle of conya...cong...cogni...oh @$%^*!!! gin na nga lang. More later...

Dear Diary,

I'm still working on making Cory and Gloria attend the meeting on Monday. That senior politician guy Ramos already said yes. I hope the girls would come. I hate to think what the people would think if I meet Ramos behind closed doors.

Last thing I want is for people to think I'm gay on top of my other problems. (Of course that would explain Jude...)

Dear Diary,

I offered my hand in reconciliation, both of them in fact. But they made me bastos. Huwag daw sila takutin. Aba! What did I did? I only appeared on TV with the officers of the military and the PNP. What is wrong with that?

But I am not giving up on Aquino and Macapagal. I will keep at it. I will keep at it until they leave the country.

(Hmmm...kasya pa kaya sa akin yung uniporme ng sundalo dun sa isa ko'ng pelikula?)