Friday, June 29, 2001

Dear Diary,

I did not enter a plea because I did not know the answer. It worked when I was in college.

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Dear Diary,

I'm preparing for my array..arrag...arrain...for the start of my trial tomorrow. Have to admit, I'm quite nervous. My lawyers say they can't delay this anymore for me. I was hoping everyone would forget and I can stay here in veterans hospital forever. Doh!

My poor son Jinggoy can't even attend the despedida for him. Is this justice? What is our society coming too, when rich, powerful politicians like me can be arrested and imprisoned, then be denied a despedida party? Tsk tsk. Is this what Jose Rizal fought for? I think not!

Meanwhile, that dwarf GloMac is tightening the moose in my neck. Saying that we're planning something called destabila...destabita...see, I can't even spell destabilization! How can they think poor little me would want to destabilize her government?

I appeal to all my fans and all my friends out there. Let's all peace, man. Peace lang tayo. Pag umalma, banatan niyo ng dos por dos!

Thursday, June 21, 2001

Dear Diary,

So happy today. They will let me stay in a hospital arrest! Good thing I still have what it takes to be an actor. *Cough* ! *Ubo ubo ubo*! Look at me, doctor, I'm so sick!
Ahhh, good doctor. Here, give yourself a new Lexus!

It's just so sad that so many poor people with lung conditions cannot stay with me in the hospital, with legions of public doctors to monitor their health. But is that even relevant? I think not. I'm still president, after all.

Monday, June 11, 2001

Dear Diary,

Indepen...Inpede...Araw ng Kalayaan tomorrow. And i'm stuck here in jail. I'm so boredom. I hate to admit it, but I miss the days when I get jokes about me in the Interweb.
I especially like the one with me, Clinton, and a monkey. Nowadays I can't even find my name in the headlines. What if my fans forget about me? What if the government forgets about me and I'm stuck here forever? Again, it's that damn Abu Sayad. And that Aggassi kid too.

And that Sandiganbayan junked my request for house arrest too. Doh! What is our nation coming to?

I wasn't able to attend my Loi's confirmation party. She sent me a package of food, my favorite brandy and a book on something called HTML. She told me it has something to do with this Interweb thing I love so much, and that it's so easy that maybe I can find it useful. Thoughtful, thoughtful, my wife Loi. Next time, maybe she can put in a hacksaw in one of the books. It's so damn thick.

Thursday, June 07, 2001

Dear Diary,

That Abu Sayad must be stopped at all costs. They want to have more money than me, and taking away my precious media exposure too. Hellooo, I'm still in jail here, duh. Get moving with the trial already...

Good things to do to the Abu Sayad

1. Let my fans have a go at them.
2. Drop them into that Survivor show, we execute one after every tribal council.
3. Jail them bound and gagged, sharing a room with Norberto "I eat your brains" Manero.
4. Behead them in the other head, where it really hurts.
5. Assign Lacson to their case.

Monday, June 04, 2001

Dear Diary,

Several things I learned today:

1. Charlene and Aga got married already. How come I was never invited? Anyway, I was watching it from Channel 2 last night. Weddings always make me cry. I mean, I must have had no less than a dozen myself, yet it still has the same effects on me, you knows?

2. The Abu Sayyaf are at it again. This time they have more hostages than they had with me. Let's see you handle this one, GloMac...

3. And my wife Loi will be proclaimed senator soon. My thanks to all the wise people who voted for my wife. Next time, maybe you can vote for my mistresses too, that's easily half of congress if they all win. We can get the majority again. Impeach Gloria...Ban that annoying Agassi kid from the TV. Get me a nice red Camaro.

4. But I don't think my good pal Enrile will win. That Ralph Rectum is still hanging on to the winners circle.