the secret diary of erap estrada

2001-12-12T23:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'll be homes for christmas...You can count on me. Please have snow...and mis-tle-toe...
And presents on the tree...

That's not a grammatical mistake you see, okay? I will really be homes for christmas. Lot's of homes to be in this holiday season...I have a, err...a big families, you knows.

I hope the sandiganbayan gives me a furlog...furl...a christmas vacation. All i want for christmas is to be with my families. And Desierto hanging by my chimney wall...

2001-11-08T05:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so devastated. My good friend, and one of show business' institutions, Nida Blanca, died of multiple stab wounds. You can lose millions. You can lose mansions and power. But the loss of a friend can be irrepairable. I am saddened by the kind of depravity that makes such senseless violence possible, that kills the best and brightest among us. May she rest in peace. And may justice be served.

2001-11-07T01:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today I arrived in the Sandiganbayan with conjunctio...conju...with sore eyes. It's true. You can see my really sore eyes on TV. My lawyer, that young genius Fortun is truly a brilliant lawyer. He asked the court to excuse me from the trial, and so i was excused. What a stroke of genius! Reminds me of my collge days. Ma'am excuse me i have LBM. Ma'am excuse me my dog ate my pants. Ma'am excuse me I have sore throat. If we play our card right, I will never have to appear court. Next time I'll try hepatitis. Then maybe athletes foot.

2001-11-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

i'm requesting the government to give me a few months leave. I need to go to the US because...uh...my knees hurt. That's right. It's hard to play tennis in my cell nowadays. And according to my doctors, they need to replace it with a prosthe...a prosti...a robotic part, which is not available in the philippines.

last night it was a blackout again. the whole of luzon. and according to NAPOCOR it's because of jellyfishes again. or squids. there must be really big mutant squids living near the powerplants. the blackout was so long and there was no aircon in my cell the whole night! such suffering for me! maybe they should form a task force to deal with this mutant squids and jellyfishes. in japan they have robots to deal with just this thing. it's true. i saw it on tv.

2001-10-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Loi found me in the bathroom this afternoon locked away with foam in my mouth and a blade in my hand. She tolds me "No! No! My husband! I know you were hit by various scandals, impeached, ousted from power, arrested, imprisoned, tried to do a comeback via mob but failed, lost countless appeals, charged with plunder AND LOST THE WEBBY'S! But this is not the way! Don't give up! Don't do anything stupid!"

I just stood there and then I slapped her. Yeah. I slapped her good you knows. I felt betterer. Sheesh. Can't anyone have a decent shave these days? Gosh.

No longer that disappointed about the webby's. It was all my fault. It was my mistake that I nominated my site in comedy. Hahaha. What was I thinking? I'm such a joker. I should have entered the site under government and politics. Or current events. I have very good opinions on current events.

And of course, other sites were very very good too. Nice design, and really entertainment medium, you knows. So to the other nominees, you're already winners. You beat the genius erap in web page making. Remember that when you tell stories to your grandchildren. But have children first. Have a girlfriend first. Stop webbing this and that so much and get a life, porgadseyk.

And to the judges, well, you're still cocksuckers. Goodbye.

2001-10-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

So sads today. I just learned I lost the webby's. I'm not in the semifinals anymore. I'm eliminated anymore.

But maybe I had it coming. Haven't been updating the site. Have none of the cool flash animation kids want these days. None of that jambascript and the pretty colors.

It's the least of my problems, really. I'm already used to so much loss and humiliation. So to the judges and other contestants, congratulations and my thanks. You all deserve the webby's you fat, arrogant, overpaid, white-collar business criminal asshole cocksuckers. Miserable illiterate eye-candy masturbating self-aggrandizing self-worshiping faggots. Fucking pussies. You think bin laden is mean? Wait til you get a piece of Asiong you strutting, preening, posturing jackoffs.

No, I'm not sourgraping. I'm just a bit mads, that's all.

2001-09-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I hope people still remember me. All people talk about these days is that Been Laiden guy. Don't you knows I'm a has-been actor, has-been president fighting for my life and freedom here?

Everyone keeps talking about New War. Is it like Classic War without all that caffeine?

Anyway, I'm studying more and more about my lawyer's defense. Truly groundbreaking legal stuff: It doesn't matter whether I stole or not, THE POINT IS THAT THE LAW SAYING IT'S NOT RIGHT TO STEAL IS ILLEGAL (EVEN THOUGH I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY WHEN I WAS A HOTSHOT SENATOR, AND SIGNED IT MYSELF). When all else fails, question constitutionallity. That's my style.

2001-09-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Too bad I can't call my good friend Dubya Bush from my cell anymore. My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives in the attacks to the World Trade Center. It will take all our courage and vigilance to fight the spectre of global terrorism. I would also like to appeal to my dear citizens, to spare our Muslim brothers from any misguided acts of retribution. Such actions will only perpetuate this unfortunate cycle of hate.

2001-09-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I've been quiet busy lately, sorry I haven't been writing much to you. I've been studying this HTML kasi, and this program they call Frontpage (JV sent me a copy---from Greehills. I didn't know Microsoft had a factory there---the CD was so cheap!)

Anyways, what a concept this HTML is ha, you only markup markup like this and this and this. Markup is so intu...intwi...intitu...so natural for me. I like marking up even my government projects kasi.
Gosh, and I was able to put an image too, that nomination logo. I really must be a genius. I wonder if they will let me work in yehey. Haha! That was a hyperlink! With an http colon slash slash and all! Truly my own mind surprises even myself...

Hmm, I wonder...will the Sandiganbayan allow me to go to the Webby Awards?

2001-09-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Deary Diary,

See my new lays out? It's my champagne color! Why?

Because I gots nominated! Wow. By golly, I'm nominated in the Philippine Web Awards. Thank so much. It's like winning a FAMAS only it's not for acting. I will be champagning again! For you to vote for me! Yes, it's good to be on the champagne trail! I'll woo visitors, pay off judges...er... I meant win the hearts of judges... While the lawyers are busy trying to get me off the hook, I'll be kissing babies, pressing flesh and delivering speeches. Yes!

Glory days are here again! By the time my friend ping-pong lacson gets to be president by 2004, I'll have a new career as webdesigner! mwahahahaha

2001-08-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

i told my friend ping-pong lacson that since he can't refute the charges based on logic and evidents(yet), the trick is to call that corpus guy names. for example: he's a communist, for crying out loud. everybody knows communists are bad for you, so why should you believe someone who worships stanislavski? sheesh. this arroyo government is so stupid. this is a conspiracy between the rich makati businessmen and the NPA to discredit my opposition!

this is very bad for the country. soon we will have red flags and pictures of zhang ziyi everywhere. i've played this video game once where communists use giant monster squids and cloned soldiers. very bad indeed. and of course, it's all up to me to set things right. now if only i can get rid of those dang plunder charges...

2001-08-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

darn that old fart Ople! he promised that he will unleash the guns of august on arroyo. as it turns out, our...er, his evidence is based on text messages! foiled by those elite yuppie texters again! he should have called it the "gums of august" because i don't think he has any real teeth left.

and of course, they're after me and my friend senator ping's multi-million dollar accounts as well. haven't they had enough digging into my local bank accounts already? it's fo unfair!

2001-07-30T04:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

ha ha HA! Now that Gloria is having her "Arroyogate" as well. A bribery scam involving her husband. Let's see you dodge that one!

Of course, there isn't any direct evidence linking Gloria, or any direct evidence of any bribery to speak of. But that never stopped people before.

It's good to have friends in the senate. What a vigilante and vigorous opposition we have, in the tradition of that Recto guy. Exactly what this country needs!

And of course, my Loi is being tutored by that witc--- err, the distinguished Harvard seminar attendee and former senator Santiago, so I bet things are going to be exciting after all.

2001-07-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just finished listening to that Gloria woman give the State of the Nation address. By golly! It was long. I don't know how she could stay standing up that long and speaking. In English pa. That's why my SONA were short.

She made a lot of promises ha. I lost track of it when I ran out of fingers to count with. I got a special mention in her speech. What a liar she is. She said she gave me a velvet glove. That wasn't true! I never saw no velvet glove. Tsaka...aanhin ko yun?

She's learning a lot from me. She brought out those kids from Payatas. How very showbiz! But did you notice? Gloria and the kids were of the same height! hehe.

My very good senators are of course present. They know what to do. Even though we didn't get the senate president seat, I'm sure they will be able to find a chair somewhere else.

I am so bored, diary. I miss my friends. I miss my wives...este wife.

2001-07-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

My lawyers are asking for a "house visit of sorts" for me, since the courts does not want a house arrest. Damn good lawyers. Where do they come up with these radical new concepts for law and jurisprudential? They must be a genius like me.
Creative, creative. Lawyers AND artists!!! I choose well. Especially Saguisag and that Fortun kid. I see a bright future for them in politics.

2001-07-13T00:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Now they're picking on my lawyer. I might lose him. He's very good. Serafin Cuevas is a good name. He's like a superhero...you know...Cuevas...parang Batcave. He He He. See? I still have my sense of rumor.

2001-07-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Yes I want to have my trial on television. It might just jump start my career again.

And I'm still upset that the judge did not allow me temporary freedom to see my beloved wife take her oath as senator and to see JV take oath as mayor of San Juan.

I mean I like the argument of my lawyers. It is true that families get together in special occasions.

Imagine, if all my wives and children get elected to government, everyday would be a special occasion. Even if I am found guilty, I won't have to spend a day in jail. Ha!

I like my lawyers. They're smart like me.

2001-06-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I did not enter a plea because I did not know the answer. It worked when I was in college.

2001-06-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm preparing for my array..arrag...arrain...for the start of my trial tomorrow. Have to admit, I'm quite nervous. My lawyers say they can't delay this anymore for me. I was hoping everyone would forget and I can stay here in veterans hospital forever. Doh!

My poor son Jinggoy can't even attend the despedida for him. Is this justice? What is our society coming too, when rich, powerful politicians like me can be arrested and imprisoned, then be denied a despedida party? Tsk tsk. Is this what Jose Rizal fought for? I think not!

Meanwhile, that dwarf GloMac is tightening the moose in my neck. Saying that we're planning something called destabila...destabita...see, I can't even spell destabilization! How can they think poor little me would want to destabilize her government?

I appeal to all my fans and all my friends out there. Let's all peace, man. Peace lang tayo. Pag umalma, banatan niyo ng dos por dos!

2001-06-21T02:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

So happy today. They will let me stay in a hospital arrest! Good thing I still have what it takes to be an actor. *Cough* ! *Ubo ubo ubo*! Look at me, doctor, I'm so sick!
Ahhh, good doctor. Here, give yourself a new Lexus!

It's just so sad that so many poor people with lung conditions cannot stay with me in the hospital, with legions of public doctors to monitor their health. But is that even relevant? I think not. I'm still president, after all.

2001-06-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Indepen...Inpede...Araw ng Kalayaan tomorrow. And i'm stuck here in jail. I'm so boredom. I hate to admit it, but I miss the days when I get jokes about me in the Interweb.
I especially like the one with me, Clinton, and a monkey. Nowadays I can't even find my name in the headlines. What if my fans forget about me? What if the government forgets about me and I'm stuck here forever? Again, it's that damn Abu Sayad. And that Aggassi kid too.

And that Sandiganbayan junked my request for house arrest too. Doh! What is our nation coming to?

I wasn't able to attend my Loi's confirmation party. She sent me a package of food, my favorite brandy and a book on something called HTML. She told me it has something to do with this Interweb thing I love so much, and that it's so easy that maybe I can find it useful. Thoughtful, thoughtful, my wife Loi. Next time, maybe she can put in a hacksaw in one of the books. It's so damn thick.

2001-06-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

That Abu Sayad must be stopped at all costs. They want to have more money than me, and taking away my precious media exposure too. Hellooo, I'm still in jail here, duh. Get moving with the trial already...

Good things to do to the Abu Sayad

1. Let my fans have a go at them.
2. Drop them into that Survivor show, we execute one after every tribal council.
3. Jail them bound and gagged, sharing a room with Norberto "I eat your brains" Manero.
4. Behead them in the other head, where it really hurts.
5. Assign Lacson to their case.

2001-06-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Several things I learned today:

1. Charlene and Aga got married already. How come I was never invited? Anyway, I was watching it from Channel 2 last night. Weddings always make me cry. I mean, I must have had no less than a dozen myself, yet it still has the same effects on me, you knows?

2. The Abu Sayyaf are at it again. This time they have more hostages than they had with me. Let's see you handle this one, GloMac...

3. And my wife Loi will be proclaimed senator soon. My thanks to all the wise people who voted for my wife. Next time, maybe you can vote for my mistresses too, that's easily half of congress if they all win. We can get the majority again. Impeach Gloria...Ban that annoying Agassi kid from the TV. Get me a nice red Camaro.

4. But I don't think my good pal Enrile will win. That Ralph Rectum is still hanging on to the winners circle.

2001-05-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Mike, Tess, Mike, Tess. Is this working already. I already misses you oh my diary.
(Sino ba yung Mike and Tess?)

2001-05-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I am writing this from veteran's hospital, which is getting to be my favorite place, even though I am not veterans.

The other day I was so gulat because that GloMac visited me again, and she tolds me she wants reconciliation. And that she might build a special house for me here in veterans. Hmmm...could it be she has a crush on me too?
Hirap talaga ng pogi, kahit kalaban may gusto sa iyo...reminds me of that one film I did...forgot the title.

Anyways, GloMac told me she's not going to opposition house arrest for me, and that she hopes me and my gang can be her friends and stuff.
Hmm. I don't know...LOSER!!! My senator friends, my Loi included, will be on your toes, GloMac!

Oh and the doctors told me my Jinggoy has high cholesterol. No more porkchops for you, junior.

P.S.

Ginebra lost the finals. Wala talagang hustisya sa bansa na ito.