the secret diary of erap estrada

2001-12-12T23:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'll be homes for christmas...You can count on me. Please have snow...and mis-tle-toe...
And presents on the tree...

That's not a grammatical mistake you see, okay? I will really be homes for christmas. Lot's of homes to be in this holiday season...I have a, err...a big families, you knows.

I hope the sandiganbayan gives me a furlog...furl...a christmas vacation. All i want for christmas is to be with my families. And Desierto hanging by my chimney wall...

2001-11-08T05:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so devastated. My good friend, and one of show business' institutions, Nida Blanca, died of multiple stab wounds. You can lose millions. You can lose mansions and power. But the loss of a friend can be irrepairable. I am saddened by the kind of depravity that makes such senseless violence possible, that kills the best and brightest among us. May she rest in peace. And may justice be served.

2001-11-07T01:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today I arrived in the Sandiganbayan with conjunctio...conju...with sore eyes. It's true. You can see my really sore eyes on TV. My lawyer, that young genius Fortun is truly a brilliant lawyer. He asked the court to excuse me from the trial, and so i was excused. What a stroke of genius! Reminds me of my collge days. Ma'am excuse me i have LBM. Ma'am excuse me my dog ate my pants. Ma'am excuse me I have sore throat. If we play our card right, I will never have to appear court. Next time I'll try hepatitis. Then maybe athletes foot.

2001-11-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

i'm requesting the government to give me a few months leave. I need to go to the US because...uh...my knees hurt. That's right. It's hard to play tennis in my cell nowadays. And according to my doctors, they need to replace it with a prosthe...a prosti...a robotic part, which is not available in the philippines.

last night it was a blackout again. the whole of luzon. and according to NAPOCOR it's because of jellyfishes again. or squids. there must be really big mutant squids living near the powerplants. the blackout was so long and there was no aircon in my cell the whole night! such suffering for me! maybe they should form a task force to deal with this mutant squids and jellyfishes. in japan they have robots to deal with just this thing. it's true. i saw it on tv.

2001-10-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Loi found me in the bathroom this afternoon locked away with foam in my mouth and a blade in my hand. She tolds me "No! No! My husband! I know you were hit by various scandals, impeached, ousted from power, arrested, imprisoned, tried to do a comeback via mob but failed, lost countless appeals, charged with plunder AND LOST THE WEBBY'S! But this is not the way! Don't give up! Don't do anything stupid!"

I just stood there and then I slapped her. Yeah. I slapped her good you knows. I felt betterer. Sheesh. Can't anyone have a decent shave these days? Gosh.

No longer that disappointed about the webby's. It was all my fault. It was my mistake that I nominated my site in comedy. Hahaha. What was I thinking? I'm such a joker. I should have entered the site under government and politics. Or current events. I have very good opinions on current events.

And of course, other sites were very very good too. Nice design, and really entertainment medium, you knows. So to the other nominees, you're already winners. You beat the genius erap in web page making. Remember that when you tell stories to your grandchildren. But have children first. Have a girlfriend first. Stop webbing this and that so much and get a life, porgadseyk.

And to the judges, well, you're still cocksuckers. Goodbye.

2001-10-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

So sads today. I just learned I lost the webby's. I'm not in the semifinals anymore. I'm eliminated anymore.

But maybe I had it coming. Haven't been updating the site. Have none of the cool flash animation kids want these days. None of that jambascript and the pretty colors.

It's the least of my problems, really. I'm already used to so much loss and humiliation. So to the judges and other contestants, congratulations and my thanks. You all deserve the webby's you fat, arrogant, overpaid, white-collar business criminal asshole cocksuckers. Miserable illiterate eye-candy masturbating self-aggrandizing self-worshiping faggots. Fucking pussies. You think bin laden is mean? Wait til you get a piece of Asiong you strutting, preening, posturing jackoffs.

No, I'm not sourgraping. I'm just a bit mads, that's all.

2001-09-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I hope people still remember me. All people talk about these days is that Been Laiden guy. Don't you knows I'm a has-been actor, has-been president fighting for my life and freedom here?

Everyone keeps talking about New War. Is it like Classic War without all that caffeine?

Anyway, I'm studying more and more about my lawyer's defense. Truly groundbreaking legal stuff: It doesn't matter whether I stole or not, THE POINT IS THAT THE LAW SAYING IT'S NOT RIGHT TO STEAL IS ILLEGAL (EVEN THOUGH I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY WHEN I WAS A HOTSHOT SENATOR, AND SIGNED IT MYSELF). When all else fails, question constitutionallity. That's my style.

2001-09-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Too bad I can't call my good friend Dubya Bush from my cell anymore. My heart goes out to families of those who lost their lives in the attacks to the World Trade Center. It will take all our courage and vigilance to fight the spectre of global terrorism. I would also like to appeal to my dear citizens, to spare our Muslim brothers from any misguided acts of retribution. Such actions will only perpetuate this unfortunate cycle of hate.

2001-09-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I've been quiet busy lately, sorry I haven't been writing much to you. I've been studying this HTML kasi, and this program they call Frontpage (JV sent me a copy---from Greehills. I didn't know Microsoft had a factory there---the CD was so cheap!)

Anyways, what a concept this HTML is ha, you only markup markup like this and this and this. Markup is so intu...intwi...intitu...so natural for me. I like marking up even my government projects kasi.
Gosh, and I was able to put an image too, that nomination logo. I really must be a genius. I wonder if they will let me work in yehey. Haha! That was a hyperlink! With an http colon slash slash and all! Truly my own mind surprises even myself...

Hmm, I wonder...will the Sandiganbayan allow me to go to the Webby Awards?

2001-09-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Deary Diary,

See my new lays out? It's my champagne color! Why?

Because I gots nominated! Wow. By golly, I'm nominated in the Philippine Web Awards. Thank so much. It's like winning a FAMAS only it's not for acting. I will be champagning again! For you to vote for me! Yes, it's good to be on the champagne trail! I'll woo visitors, pay off judges...er... I meant win the hearts of judges... While the lawyers are busy trying to get me off the hook, I'll be kissing babies, pressing flesh and delivering speeches. Yes!

Glory days are here again! By the time my friend ping-pong lacson gets to be president by 2004, I'll have a new career as webdesigner! mwahahahaha

2001-08-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

i told my friend ping-pong lacson that since he can't refute the charges based on logic and evidents(yet), the trick is to call that corpus guy names. for example: he's a communist, for crying out loud. everybody knows communists are bad for you, so why should you believe someone who worships stanislavski? sheesh. this arroyo government is so stupid. this is a conspiracy between the rich makati businessmen and the NPA to discredit my opposition!

this is very bad for the country. soon we will have red flags and pictures of zhang ziyi everywhere. i've played this video game once where communists use giant monster squids and cloned soldiers. very bad indeed. and of course, it's all up to me to set things right. now if only i can get rid of those dang plunder charges...

2001-08-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

darn that old fart Ople! he promised that he will unleash the guns of august on arroyo. as it turns out, our...er, his evidence is based on text messages! foiled by those elite yuppie texters again! he should have called it the "gums of august" because i don't think he has any real teeth left.

and of course, they're after me and my friend senator ping's multi-million dollar accounts as well. haven't they had enough digging into my local bank accounts already? it's fo unfair!

2001-07-30T04:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

ha ha HA! Now that Gloria is having her "Arroyogate" as well. A bribery scam involving her husband. Let's see you dodge that one!

Of course, there isn't any direct evidence linking Gloria, or any direct evidence of any bribery to speak of. But that never stopped people before.

It's good to have friends in the senate. What a vigilante and vigorous opposition we have, in the tradition of that Recto guy. Exactly what this country needs!

And of course, my Loi is being tutored by that witc--- err, the distinguished Harvard seminar attendee and former senator Santiago, so I bet things are going to be exciting after all.

2001-07-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just finished listening to that Gloria woman give the State of the Nation address. By golly! It was long. I don't know how she could stay standing up that long and speaking. In English pa. That's why my SONA were short.

She made a lot of promises ha. I lost track of it when I ran out of fingers to count with. I got a special mention in her speech. What a liar she is. She said she gave me a velvet glove. That wasn't true! I never saw no velvet glove. Tsaka...aanhin ko yun?

She's learning a lot from me. She brought out those kids from Payatas. How very showbiz! But did you notice? Gloria and the kids were of the same height! hehe.

My very good senators are of course present. They know what to do. Even though we didn't get the senate president seat, I'm sure they will be able to find a chair somewhere else.

I am so bored, diary. I miss my friends. I miss my wives...este wife.

2001-07-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

My lawyers are asking for a "house visit of sorts" for me, since the courts does not want a house arrest. Damn good lawyers. Where do they come up with these radical new concepts for law and jurisprudential? They must be a genius like me.
Creative, creative. Lawyers AND artists!!! I choose well. Especially Saguisag and that Fortun kid. I see a bright future for them in politics.

2001-07-13T00:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Now they're picking on my lawyer. I might lose him. He's very good. Serafin Cuevas is a good name. He's like a superhero...you know...Cuevas...parang Batcave. He He He. See? I still have my sense of rumor.

2001-07-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Yes I want to have my trial on television. It might just jump start my career again.

And I'm still upset that the judge did not allow me temporary freedom to see my beloved wife take her oath as senator and to see JV take oath as mayor of San Juan.

I mean I like the argument of my lawyers. It is true that families get together in special occasions.

Imagine, if all my wives and children get elected to government, everyday would be a special occasion. Even if I am found guilty, I won't have to spend a day in jail. Ha!

I like my lawyers. They're smart like me.

2001-06-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I did not enter a plea because I did not know the answer. It worked when I was in college.

2001-06-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm preparing for my array..arrag...arrain...for the start of my trial tomorrow. Have to admit, I'm quite nervous. My lawyers say they can't delay this anymore for me. I was hoping everyone would forget and I can stay here in veterans hospital forever. Doh!

My poor son Jinggoy can't even attend the despedida for him. Is this justice? What is our society coming too, when rich, powerful politicians like me can be arrested and imprisoned, then be denied a despedida party? Tsk tsk. Is this what Jose Rizal fought for? I think not!

Meanwhile, that dwarf GloMac is tightening the moose in my neck. Saying that we're planning something called destabila...destabita...see, I can't even spell destabilization! How can they think poor little me would want to destabilize her government?

I appeal to all my fans and all my friends out there. Let's all peace, man. Peace lang tayo. Pag umalma, banatan niyo ng dos por dos!

2001-06-21T02:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

So happy today. They will let me stay in a hospital arrest! Good thing I still have what it takes to be an actor. *Cough* ! *Ubo ubo ubo*! Look at me, doctor, I'm so sick!
Ahhh, good doctor. Here, give yourself a new Lexus!

It's just so sad that so many poor people with lung conditions cannot stay with me in the hospital, with legions of public doctors to monitor their health. But is that even relevant? I think not. I'm still president, after all.

2001-06-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Indepen...Inpede...Araw ng Kalayaan tomorrow. And i'm stuck here in jail. I'm so boredom. I hate to admit it, but I miss the days when I get jokes about me in the Interweb.
I especially like the one with me, Clinton, and a monkey. Nowadays I can't even find my name in the headlines. What if my fans forget about me? What if the government forgets about me and I'm stuck here forever? Again, it's that damn Abu Sayad. And that Aggassi kid too.

And that Sandiganbayan junked my request for house arrest too. Doh! What is our nation coming to?

I wasn't able to attend my Loi's confirmation party. She sent me a package of food, my favorite brandy and a book on something called HTML. She told me it has something to do with this Interweb thing I love so much, and that it's so easy that maybe I can find it useful. Thoughtful, thoughtful, my wife Loi. Next time, maybe she can put in a hacksaw in one of the books. It's so damn thick.

2001-06-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

That Abu Sayad must be stopped at all costs. They want to have more money than me, and taking away my precious media exposure too. Hellooo, I'm still in jail here, duh. Get moving with the trial already...

Good things to do to the Abu Sayad

1. Let my fans have a go at them.
2. Drop them into that Survivor show, we execute one after every tribal council.
3. Jail them bound and gagged, sharing a room with Norberto "I eat your brains" Manero.
4. Behead them in the other head, where it really hurts.
5. Assign Lacson to their case.

2001-06-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Several things I learned today:

1. Charlene and Aga got married already. How come I was never invited? Anyway, I was watching it from Channel 2 last night. Weddings always make me cry. I mean, I must have had no less than a dozen myself, yet it still has the same effects on me, you knows?

2. The Abu Sayyaf are at it again. This time they have more hostages than they had with me. Let's see you handle this one, GloMac...

3. And my wife Loi will be proclaimed senator soon. My thanks to all the wise people who voted for my wife. Next time, maybe you can vote for my mistresses too, that's easily half of congress if they all win. We can get the majority again. Impeach Gloria...Ban that annoying Agassi kid from the TV. Get me a nice red Camaro.

4. But I don't think my good pal Enrile will win. That Ralph Rectum is still hanging on to the winners circle.

2001-05-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Mike, Tess, Mike, Tess. Is this working already. I already misses you oh my diary.
(Sino ba yung Mike and Tess?)

2001-05-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I am writing this from veteran's hospital, which is getting to be my favorite place, even though I am not veterans.

The other day I was so gulat because that GloMac visited me again, and she tolds me she wants reconciliation. And that she might build a special house for me here in veterans. Hmmm...could it be she has a crush on me too?
Hirap talaga ng pogi, kahit kalaban may gusto sa iyo...reminds me of that one film I did...forgot the title.

Anyways, GloMac told me she's not going to opposition house arrest for me, and that she hopes me and my gang can be her friends and stuff.
Hmm. I don't know...LOSER!!! My senator friends, my Loi included, will be on your toes, GloMac!

Oh and the doctors told me my Jinggoy has high cholesterol. No more porkchops for you, junior.

P.S.

Ginebra lost the finals. Wala talagang hustisya sa bansa na ito.

2001-05-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just so sad.First of all I can'ts believe Ginebra lost. Lamang na sila nung 4th Quarter! I smell a dagdag-bawas. That dwarf GloMac knows I like Ginebra. It's just a part of the psychological warfare they have against me. But no. I will not back down. Already my friends are making it on the list. Manong Johnny, Ping-Pong, Gregarious...even my dearly beloved Loi. (And maybe even that nut case woman). Haha. I will be free soon enough. To be bad Me didn't win. I guess people thought she was too young. Oh well. Poor kid. Maybe she has a future in showbiz.

Kakainis lang 'to si Jinggoy kasi. Napicturan tuloy nangongopya sa akin. Why can't he be more like me? I'm so smart.

Soon I will be free. I will taste freedom! I will survive!

2001-05-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I was brought to Veterans hospital again, where I could have my checkup and so I can votation. But I wonder, where was my media coverage? Shouldn't they be covering my historic vote (I finally figured out the list party system!)?

Can I tells you a secret? I have a confession to make. I did not vote for one of my party mates. She makes me nerbyos, you knows. I think she has a crush on me all along. In fact I thinks she's crazy about me, telling people shit like jumping off an airplane, being shot in luneta, just for me. Lying and laughing in front of TV like a lunatic. Susmaryosep, that's one weird mama. Buti ba naman kung maganda eh kaso...Ehem.

Oh. And Ginebra won. Tie na sila ng San Miguel! Woohoo! Everything is possible in this country. I may become president yet again...

2001-05-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Feeling mucho betterer now. The court allowed me to vote on monday. I will, of course, vote for my wife, jinggoy and jv. I think I will also vote for Me...you knows, that cute kid in the commercial from ABS-CBN. I didn't know kids like that can run for office now (and what dumbass parent would name their kid Me?). Must be because of that dang party-list system I don't know about. I myself may vote Ginebra for the party list, God knows they need to win these days.

Not just that. I have a new aircon in my pad err...jailcell. Soon I will have that fast DSL thing so i can surf the interweb and do my diary more oftener. It's not like my Boracay mansion, but it's not so bad now.
I think there's still space for a jacuzi, Jinggoy and I will have some father and son bonding with beers and babes. Anyone wanna crash my pad? Yeh!

2001-05-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Okay I am not sore anymore. Although I really like to try the new ride at the Enchanted Kingdom, it can wait. I'm still in jail at this stupid compound overlooking the site where they executed GomBurZa. They said it stands for Gomez, Burgos at Zamora. Di ko alam na pinatay na nila si Richard Gomez at ex-Executive Secretary Ronaldo Zamora. Sobra talaga pasakit inaabot ng aking mga allies and comrades. Di ko kilala yung Burgos na yun.

Anyway, iniisip ko kanina yan when that ~~unano~~...Madame President pala...dropped by to visit. Buti na lang walang kurtina yung bintana at nailigpit ko yung gamit ko na pang tunnel. I was surprised, befuddled, bewildered and nagulat by the visit. She said she wanted to check out my living conditions. Well she saw for herself. No curtains on the windows! No doors! ~~And to think I spent 11 million on the curtains at Malacañang!~~ Ahem...And to think MY FRIENDS donated 11 million for the drapes at the Palace! By golly!

She only stayed for a few minutes. Cardinal Vidal was with her. Sayang I could've used my charm on her. Pero I wasn't in the mood. Hirap talaga ng gwapo.

And so I wait. I finally understand what the lawyers are trying to do. Hehe. Di pala bahay ko pinapaaresto nila. They want me to stay in my house while I'm under arrested. Okay yun. At least my cable TV. May aircon. May pinto yung banyo. At may sariling kwarto si Jinggoy at hindi ko na kelangan marinig ang hilik niya.

2001-05-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

They tricked me again! Akala ko ba sa Enchanted Kingdom kami pupunta ni Jinggoy!?! Yun pala sa isang bahay na may aircon, tv, vcd player, gas range, at surround sound system. This is an outrage! Anong kasalanan ang naggawa ko at dito nila ako ikukulong?

Today I am tropical depression. My supporters, my loyal fans, failed to take Malacañang and make me president again. My most loyal senator friends are being arrestment. Oh I think I need a puppy, diary.
Oh puppy puppy puppy...you still think I'm president do you, puppy? You think I'm innocent do you, puppy? Good puppy!

*Ehem.*

You knows, it's all that Gloria's fault. All of it. Of course I did not want them to march to Malacañang. Of course I did not want to be return to power. Of course I do not want immunity from suits, my mansions, my billions. State of rebellion my pwet.

How could she say that it's rebellion? My mo..err, crowd, had no leaders. It was a spontaneous combustion, so naturally, cars had to be burned, stores had to be looted, and innocent bystanders bashed in the head. Serves them right for not being pro-me.

Just for the record though, I think they ought to shut that Miriam up a bit. Always trouble whether pro or anti. She should have been in Mediola. Maybe a few rocks to the head wouldn't hurt in her case.

But this is only in the beginning when the hero and his friends are defeated. Soon I will rise again. And then I will beat the villain in the warehouse, and then a slow-motion scene in the beach with my leading lady (that Joyce Jimenez. I've been thinking a lot about her in jail).

Ituloy ang laban! Dead kung patay!

2001-04-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm excited! I'm finally getting out of this hospitals! I really don't get why they moved me to Veterans. I'm not Veterans. Some people... Anyway, in the past two days, all they did to me was do some tests. We have these students coming in at all hours with rubber gloves. How many rectal exams do they have to do anyway?

But I'm happy to report I passed the tests with flying colors. Loi would be proud of me. See? I'm not stupid.

Anyway, I received word that the people from EDSA have moved to Malacanang. By gosh! Who are they going there huh? Who are they going? Sino pupuntahan nila dun? By golly, I told JV not to do that. Can't he remember simple instructions? Good thing his name has only 2 letters or else he will forget them. I wonder which side of the family he got his intelligence! Definitely not from my side!

I have to pack you now, Diary. They're ready move me to Sta. Rosa, Laguna. You know, this ~~incarcerayson~~ ... ~~incarcenate~~ ... ~~incarci~~ being in jail isn't all that bad. Imagine, they're bring me to Enchanted Kingdom! Yey!

2001-04-28T02:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Looks like I will be having more time writing to you. It's been a terrible week, Diary. Terrible. It's one ~~indignayshun~~...~~indignituin~~....~~indig~~...they've insulted me. Fingerprinte like a common criminal! They took my mugshot like I was an ordinary thief! Well I'm not! I was....I am...I'm...basta President ako.

Good thing my loyal friends are putting up a fight for me. I can hear them chanting all the way from the EDSA Shrine. "Sunduin si Erap" hehehe. It fattens my heart. Nakakataba ng puso. It's been three days since they've put me in this cell. May aircon nga wala naman mahjong table. Wala din TV. How do they expect me to live this way? The humiliation! Oh the discomfort! Walang bacalau! Walang red wine! Malakas humilik si Jinggoy di ako makatulog.

I miss Loi. I miss Laarni. et al. (Hoy hindi bagong tsiks yan si Et al ha...it means "and all the others." Nalaman ko yan nung nabasa ko yung isinampang kaso sa akin ng Ombudsman.)

Huhuhuhu...mga walang hiyang abogado yan. Kala ko pa naman magagaling. I thought they were good. Pati bahay gustong ipa aresto. They want a house arrest. Ang lalabo nila.

Anyway, I shall sleep and rest. Tomorrow is another day.

Ang pag asa ko na lang ay key FPJ para iligtas niya ako.

2001-03-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so very sad. Yesterday those supreme court justices voted 13-0 against me. I really hates that number.

I will of course consult my lawyer, the truly honorable and noble Rene Saguisag. Because my rights have been trampled upon, my very human rights violated. Is it not my right to
get my billions? My corporations and my mansions!?! My absolute immunity from suit? IT IS BUT PROPER!!!

No. Hindi ako susuko. My wife WILL become senator. My buddies will take over the senate and congress. I shall return!!!

My best buddies, loyal to the very end. PLEASE VOTE FOR THEM!!!

2001-01-22T03:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm no longer depressed. I've been busy. Writing, meeting, plotting.

My enemies are still out to get me. The ombudsman is charging me for plunder. Hindi ako susuko! Hindi ako pahuhuli ng buhay! I will not resign!

It's just like the movies,you know, when the hero is really really beaten up. But I'm not dead yet, you see. I will return of the comeback, and win in the end.

Wrote a mail to Nene Pimentel . I tolds him I'm still president. I'M STILL PRESIDENT!!! Yeh!!! You see, according to the constitution, since I never really resigned, Gloria is just acting president.And when the time comes that I am able to govern again, I can go back to being president, see? I'm so smart.

And then my ally, Senator Defensor-Santigago and Dilangalen, questioned the constitu...the conitu..con...they saids that Gloria being president is illegal. Hehehe. It's all part of my plan. Soon I will taste the brandy in Malacañang again. You're going down, Boy Davide.

Hehe. Hahaha. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

2001-01-20T06:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Todays I left Malacañang. But I did not resign you see, I would have wanted to give my resignation letter, in exchange for a deal. But I forgot which signature to use for this occassion and signed as Jose Velarde (doh!). So I just tore my letter. There was no time for another letter. They were already packing my TV with this keyboard thing.

I am no longer going to Australia. The drink is not as good in there. I will live and die in this country. I am going back to my beloved San Juan. My son is mayor there. I was mayor once there too, you knows. Surely the people still loves me there. And I don't have to pay them to love me. They really really loves me.

Sigh. I do not know what to do. No more secret bank accounts. No more of that stupid stock market playing. And from now on, no more sealed envelopes.

Maybe I will be in the limelight soon. Endorse brandy. Make a movie. Run for tonggress. Yes. Maybe soon I will return of the comeback.

I'll be back, I tell you. I'll be back.

2001-01-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

What have I done to deserve this? I have been such a good leader and all.

More and more people are gathering at EDSA. And they're all doing it for free. They have a cool concert, laser shows and fireworks. I have only a few thousand of my beloved supporters in Mendiola.

Pretty much all of my cabinet resigned. So I can't mobilize anything. I can't even get out.

And then the military withdrew their support for me. Oh my gulay. They have the air force, the army, and the But I still have the Coast Guard

I feel so lonely. Oh mommy, mommy, mommy. I wanna cry.

And then the supreme court declared my seat vacant.

Maybe I should resign already. I've heard Australia is good this time of year...

2001-01-18T01:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

By golly! They're writing songs about my exploits!

2001-01-17T23:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Yet another of my friends has turned on me! This time it's that little kuto Nora Aunor! How dare she! Why did she have to tell them our problems? Demmit. After allowing her to do an MTV of 'Bangon Na?' Some friends!

You know, that's the only reason I tolerated Gloria -- she reminded me of Guy. But now...

Wait a minute! I get it! That wasn't Guy who made the statement! It was Gloria in disguise! She probably did he make-up to make her look dark like Guy! I am sooooo smart. ehehe No wonder I'm still president.

2001-01-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I have to make it clear. There are reasons why I don't want that second envelope to be opened. There are secrets there which should not be brought to light.

It is not true that the second envelope contains my grades from the Ateneo.

2001-01-16T21:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so happy. Truly this is a triumph of truth and justice. The senators voted to NOT open that folder that they say will prove my guilt. YES!!! Score!!! Homerun!!!!
Wooo-hooo!!!

My thanks to my good friends in the senate. May their names live on forever in history:

1. Juan Ponce Enrile (you the man!!!)
2. Nikki Coseteng
3. Gringo Honasan
4. Tessie Aquino-Oreta (who's your daddy bitch? dance for me baybeh!)
5. John Osmena (apir!)
6. Ramon Revilla
7. Blas Ople
8. Francisco Tatad (your motion caused commotion ehehehe!)
9. Miriam Santiago (your vote proves your sanity!)
10. Robert Jaworksi (legend ka talaga!!!)
11. Tito Sotto (ayos na!)

2001-01-14T03:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

That !@%&* Inquirer!!! They made that Hilarious Davide the Pilipino of The Year! That old fa...I mean, I am so much more masa and more gwapo than him. And all he does is say those funny latin words and bang the table with a hammer. Tjose ungrateful whelps in the Inquirer...after giving them so many sales and so many stories they do this to me?

2001-01-13T19:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so sads. Two of my friends, Yulo and Espiritu, testified against me. They saids I was a partner of Dante Tan and I profited from that BW scandal. But thats impossible, I tell you. I don't bet in the stock market. I don't get it. only numbers and lines and letters. Where are the cards and tiles? I never liked it. Can't you see? My friend Dante is the victim here, he lost millions, he was duped! It's all the fault of those black samurai. I shuld consider banning those stupid japanese cartoons...

And then my loves are starting to fly away. Good thing Loi will always be at my side, right?

2001-01-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

It's been tiring. After the holidays, appearing on television right after the bombing and then for the new year message was tough. I can't sustain long speeches in English. Whew. I shouldn't be doing that again soon.

The impeachment proceeding started again. Demmet. They crossed-examined that Ocampo girl and that bastard Chavit. Muntik pa chumavit si pareng Estelito. ehehe bad joke. Sorry I'm tired. I just resigned as the Economic czar. Never understood what 'czar' meant anyway. Too close to Cesar Asar. Well, Narvasa did call me the Filipino Julius Ceasar. It's just too confusing for me.

I have to keep my energies up. Between the impeachment and the bombings, I can't keep track of which I'm involved with right now. (Saan nga pala ako uuwi ngayon?)

2001-01-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

That @#$%^*! opposition. They imply that I am somehow behind all those bombings. I said I have bombshells, demmet, not bombs!

Whoever is behind this is afraid, and desperate. He's probably surrounded on all sides, with little or no alternatives. He's probably a crazy, gung-ho type son of a bitch.

How could I possibly be behind this? I can't do something like that and lie about it. It's like cheating on your own wife.

2000-12-28T07:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

That prosecution thinks they have outsmarted me. They don't know I have many bombshells of my own.

You know, this morning in the bathroom I realized I can see my feet again. This impeachment trial has made me lose weight.

Hired Maceda as my official spokesman. What a good, jolly fellow this Maceda is. Always on the defense. Always with something sharp to say against my enemies. I swear I will name my next child after him.

2000-12-26T19:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am so exhaust pipe after christmas. I never realized I had so many family. All those children. All those godchildren. All those wives.
My families support me all the way. They honestly believe that I can support all of them in style with my salary as president and my clean, valid business adventures.
They honestly believe that I had nothing to do with jueteng money. I am an honest, simple man. One life. One (real) wife. One signature.

Told Loi I'd be late in Malacanang tonight. Busy with many many papers. Went to Laarni.

My simple wish this holiday season, is for national unity, economic recovery, and that surprise witness on a stick.

2000-12-20T22:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Maybe putting my money in banks is a bad idea. I donts trust bankers anymore. First they play with your money, and then they spill your beans.

2000-12-17T23:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

What a clifhanger . Those senator-judges will hold a cactus to determine whether or not to open that Valhalla guy's bank records. This must be what they call trial by ordeal. Whew! It is so very hot in here don't you agree? I need a cold, tall glass of brew. Whew!

I wonder what that crazy prosecution panel will do next? Hire a bloke to trace my signature? How funny. But I have so very many signatures. One for every of my women. Yeh! I especially like the one for Laarni, with an extra flair in the tail. Yeh bebeh!!!

2000-12-17T04:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow, at the impeachment trial the presiding justice, Hilarious Davide will make a decision weather-weather he'll allow the opening of the Equitable bank account of Valhalla. hehehe

Little do they know that a surprise awaits them. Mwehehehe...

Meanwhile, di na ko mapakali ever since hindi na ako nag susugal, umiinom at nagbabae...sa loob ng Malacanag. Sana matapos na to para balik ang saya.

2000-12-15T00:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

So the United States has a president at last. I knew it was Bush all along. He is a man after my own heart, and my rival in sheer wit and intelligence. Here's to youre victory, my friend.

And now for that @#^%*! impeachment trial. Now they are getting private prosecutors against me as well. It's not fair! Gaya gaya sila. I am entitled to a lousy prosecution. Ang daya naman. Good thing I still have my boys in the house of misrepresentatives...

2000-12-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I have commuted so many many death sentences into life imprisonment. I have thought about this matter carefully. No one deserves to die by human hands, no matter how big the crime. They deserve to rot in our inhumane, state-run prisons. Also, I urged congress to consider removing the death penalty. You see? You see? I am
a moral and god-fearing man. That ought to shut up those bishops. And get the media off this trial for a while.

You know, this trial is so boring. I try to watch it on TV but they keep speaking with latin words like manifest and objection. These lawyers are so weird. And expensive too. Did you know that I got the best lawyers that money could buy? Good thing I have lots of money left (in banks, of course).

2000-12-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Damn those Germans. This magazine they call There Eagle, it says that I pocketed 8 million dollars from the Abu Sayyaf ransom.
@$%^! How can I pocket 8 million dollars? What kind of idiot would put 8 million dollars in his pocket?Not me. It's in the bank, just like Chavit's jueteng money. Earning interest and funding more Erap Cities for my filipino people. I'm just so smart.

I hate those Germans. First they invade the country in World War 2 and now this? I swear, no more budweiser and carlsberg for me. Only pinoy beers from now on.

2000-12-09T04:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

At the trial they tagged my son Jinggoy as a gambling lord. @$*&#!. Why are they doing this to him?
He's a good son, as good as any of my other sons from other women. Looks like me too. So he can't be all that bad.
But then there's the matter of Jude...

Read my lips: There is no thief in my clan.

2000-12-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

This trial is getting interesting. First they compare me to Caesar (the roman , not the pizza) and now they think I am Valhalla. Such idiotses in the prosecution. I can't be Valhalla. I'm not muslim!

Come to think of it, am I even catholic? What the hey. I still celebrate Xmas. So that must count.

My lawyers insist that I should stay away from the trial as much as possible. They won't let me testify, they said it was for my own good, we don't want another episode like that presscon with the international media. That was a close one. And of course, I'm going to be a good boy and follow my lawyers advise.

2000-12-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today my impeachment trial finally began. That Joker Arroyo called me a thief. How dare him. Bakbakan na lang.
I challenge him to mortal combat!

I want this trial over before christmas. That's why I insist on railroa...accelerating the proceedings. Marami pa akong
anak at inaanak. And it's so very hard to give them Ford Explorers and houses with this bitch of a trial going on.
How can I show my spirit of giving?

2000-12-05T04:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Again, I am being attacked at all sides. Sideways, frontways and besides. I found this website called GIN. Edi siyempre pinuntahan ko kasi nga GIN eh. I thought they'll be giving away bottles of gin. I thought they had contest like that one where if you electrocute the moving monkey you get a prize. Hehe. That game was funny. Hehe. Unbeknownst to me at higit sa lahat hindi ko alam, GIN stood for Guerilla Information Network. By golly! It wasn't monkeys! It was a bunch of guerillas!

2000-12-04T04:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

It's been some time since I last wrote. Tsk tsk. The matter of fact is that I was so very busy the past few days. Let me see my agenda:

1. Discredit the opposition.
2. Whitewash.
3. Discredit the opposition.
4. Whitewash.
5. Find Bubby Dacer
6. Whitewash.
7. "Acting lessons" with my lawyers (it is going to be my best performance yet!)
8. More whitewash.
9. And join the Couples for Christ.Yeh!

Oh. My lawyers are calling me already. Time for practice. This is the scene where I blame it all on Emilio Aguinaldo. I never liked the guy, anyway. Ciao!

2000-11-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today I asked my Secretary of Science to stay until the end of the year. Sayang naman. He's a computer guy, and I wanted him to teach me how to do this Interweb thing.
I want to learn Flash. It's so very very pretty, my golly.

The economy is growing despite the political turni...turbo...turm...kahit na magulo. Why, you ask? That's because I'm such a great leader, that's why.
You don't believe me? Look at the numbers. I did them myself with this Powerpoint thing in my computer.

2000-11-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

My move to squash the impeachment proceedings failed! My gulay! Mga anak ng patola yang mga letsugas na senador! May balak pa ata akong pagtanimin ng kamote!

Speaking of patola, I should remind Ping that if he's going to use girls like that 'Mata Hari' person, make sure they're photogenic and should have a picture taken with me. I'll sign pa an autograph by golly.

2000-11-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Where in the world is Bubby Dacer? And why is his name spelled like that? Oh where oh where could Bubby Dacer be?
My Bubby is over the ocean. My Bubby is over the sea. Oh bring back my Bubby to me, to me. Thanks you, thanks you very much.

This Bubby affair is getting me all confused. I think this is a trap by the opposition. A Bubby trap. HAHAHAHA! Gets that? Geez, I'm just so funny.

2000-11-24T17:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Dids you really think I was serious when I saids I was willing to face my impeachment trial? Of course not, choco-nut!
I'm going to have the case dismissed as soon as possible! Then I'm going to do a switcheroo and impeach Gloria! How's that for a fast one, shortcakes? Hahaha! I wins. You lose. Yeh!

And then, one of the generals in my police said that they were demoralize. Tsk tsk. More of this moral moral thing I don't understand. So my chief police Lacson sacked him. I guess you're more demoralized now, huh? Good job, Ping Lacson! Here, have a dog biscuit. Good boy!

And even more good news: They caught an NPA rebel trying to bomb my palace. The guy tried to walk through the gate with a coke bottle loaded with homemade explosives (ooohhh...I'm so scared, it was a 1.5 litro bottle). Not only that, but he brought with him a list of all the plans of those demmit rebels. He must be such an idiot to be walking around with that plan. All those rebels must be idiotses. They can't even topple a stack of plates, if they tried. Yeh!

2000-11-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

The Marcos loyalist decided to dump me too. They said they were hurts because I called their dead president a dictator. They said that 1) Ferdinand Marcos is NOT dead, because they have seen him with Elvis and 2) he was not a dictator. Duh! I was misquoted! What I meant to say was, I want Chavit in the incenerator. Ang labo naman...

Also the senate summoned me and now I have to defend myself. So right now I'm very busy preparing my defense:

10. I did not inhale.
9. I have money coming out of my wazoo.
8. My parents used to beat me as a kid.
7. My wife used to beat me too.
6. It was my predices...predeses...pre...It was Ramos' fault.
5. It was Gloria's fault.
4. The devil mades me do it.
3. Aliens planted the money.
2. Really, I planned to put those #@*%! moros to school anytime soon...

and finally,

1. I swear she tolds me she was eighteen!

2000-11-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I hates Monday. Today the impeachment trial finally began. I leave my fate to God. Yes, that's it! God Save The King.
God Save The Dolphins. God Save Erap! Hmmm. Wonderful title for a movie. I better call my good friend Carlo Caparas. It can be the film adoption of my dramatic life as a
historic president, starring Erap as Erap. Joyce Jimenez can play my dear Loi. Yeh!

2000-11-17T17:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

At least something good came out of this Brunei trip. I'm getting tired of looking at the Sultan. His bigote is better than mine.

Anyways, President Clinton congratulates me for upholding the constitutional process. If you remember right, cause I remember you, he was also impeached by his congress. By golly those congressman have nothing better to do than to impeach presidents! He got into trouble because of that Lewinsky girl. If you ask me she was kinda of fat. And at the Oval Office too!

Unlike me, my mistresses...er...friends are all sexy. (Note: call Lucio and arrange for a PAL flight home) And I don't have to do it at the Palace! Lucky I have houses for them.

*sigh*

I miss the Philippines.

2000-11-16T23:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I was so sad in Brunei, being away from my beloved Pilipino people. And there were few people there to send me off. Where are all my fans?
My friends? No one appreciates me no more. But then one reporter waved to me and shouted "Mr. President! Mr President!" to me. I overflowed with happiness and went to the reporter. He was asking for an interview for an international publication. I tolds him that I don't like Time and Newsweek anymore, because they are unfairs to me. The reporter saids it alright and showed me the magazine, called Mad---it has so many pictures, so I liked it a lot. I said okay and gave him my interview. This will recover my international credibility. Yeh!

2000-11-15T05:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Hello? Is this working now? Diary? Hello?

Today I am writing from Brunei. I'm going to meet with other great leaders like me. And we're going to talk about the home economics. No sweat. That was always my best subject. I'm going to impress them. Yeh!

They gave me this laptop computer so I can write to you, Dear Diary. So I puts it in my lap. But where do I puts the plug? I trieds all the holes in my body and...nothing. How can I write to my diary? How can I use my Interweb and surf in the net pages? Good thing my dearest Loi slapped me again and helped me. She always knows more about electricity. That's why she's my one and only...that's true. Now if only I can remember my Laarni's e-mail address. Can't wait to give you some loving baby...yeh!

2000-11-14T04:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today they are having this big rally all over the country. And so I can't go out and play...play ma-jong and tong-its and blakdyak.
This really sucks. And I don't want to watch tv because it's all about the rally and my impeachment. I can't still believe it...

But at least I got that Drilon and that Villar out of the way ( I tolds you I'd make you pay! Wax my nosehairs, losers!!! ). I still control both houses of congress. After all, I already have lots of houses, and two more would not hurt.

2000-11-13T02:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

So the House impeached me already. I'm so sad, diary. I thought I would have gotten rid of that Villar but no...
he pulled a fast one. He imitated me and ignored the misrepresentatives calling for a motion from the floor.

Inuman na lang kami ni Atong at Lucio mamya...

2000-11-13T02:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Namputcha! How did these people find out about my secret diary? Secret nga eh! I only writes in my personal computer. How come they were able to see it? By golly, I'm being bugged by my enemies. Probably by that old fart Ramos and his friend
Almonte.

That Inquirer is really getting on my nerbs. Everytime I read it, I get nerbyos.

2000-11-11T16:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

So tired but happy today. I just had a really, really big rally of my own. 1.2 million people attends!
HAHAHAHA! Hows that, Cardinal Sin? Eat my boxers, loser boy! And I didn't even have to rent the crowd, like before. I just
had to give their leaders a couple of log cabins and ka-ching, they wills follow me to the end of the earth. So many suck...er, supporters. Hehe. One born every minute, and they all on my side.

But I forgets. It was not supposed to be a political rally. Just prayer. So I prayed for Gloria and the opposition. I prayed for them to leave the country. Religion is so cool. If I wasn't president I should have been a great spiritual leader, like that papaya-patollah guy in Iran. Whatever happened to him?

2000-11-09T04:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Can I tells you a secret? Do you know that prickly feeling behind your neck? I don't have that feeling. I wonder why. Come to think of it, I can't see my neck anymore.

Actually, I did take that 200 million pesos bribe from my ex-friend Chavit Singson. I deposited it in the bank for safekeeping. Its still intacts, you know. I did not spend a single centavo. But so whats? Its just like my good friend Bill Clinton, who smoked marijuana, but did not inhale. So I guess I'm safe, right? That's what I will tell the senators if they try to impeach me. I did not inhale the money, so tama na already. No harm, no foul. right?

I'm just so smart.

2000-11-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm writing an email today. It's in congratulations to the new President of da U.S. As of this time, they're holding a recount. You see? That's one way we are efficient in this country. It's their electoral college which is the trouble. Look at me, not even college yet I'm president! No way we do recount here. Their recount would end business hours Thursday. A recount in the Philippines will take say...four-five years minimum. Besides that, we have the dagdag-bawas method. So no way there will be a recount here. Just ask my friend Miriam.

Anyway, I need to write an email. Something which should be applicable to both candidates in case one of them wins. Tinatamad na ko magsulat ng bago eh so dapat generic.

I should congratulate Al Gore for inventing the Internet. By golly, he must be smarter than me to invent the Internet. I don't know what I would do if I don't have Internet.

If Bush should win, I should congratulate him for looking so young! I wonder what he is taking to look that way. By golly, when he was vice-president of my idol Reagan he already had white hair. I wonder what did he did? I should ask for the name of his physicist...physeesyan...phyic...the name of his doctor. That way I can get more chicks if I look like more pogi.

2000-11-07T00:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

And so I helds my National Security Council meeting. Ramos sat besides me. I thought he would just sit there, and agree to me like any good old fart...I mean senior adviser. Then he told to my face: Reform or Resign. What a thick face, telling me that. Of course I won't reform. And of course I will not resign. Nope. No chance. No way. Hindeh!

2000-11-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Now I'm really mad. I just discovered something.

The Edsa rally was a political rally!

They could not fools me.

At alam ko na rin ang nagkakalat ng mga kabastusan sa akin!

"This is the handiwork of big capitalists in Makati who contributed money to the rally. They have press relations firms to put out messages on the Internet and text-messaging networks."

At tinanong pa nila kung si Cory at Ramos "behind such a setup" aba siyempre sinagot ko:

"Wala, di ko masabi yan kung nasa likod sila, nasa harap sila. Palagay ko, sa harap. Nag-endorse kahapon sino ang susunod na Presidente, di pulitika yan."

Grabe ang smart ko talaga. Wow.

2000-11-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I am still very much shock absorber. All my friends. All my drinking buddies. All my poker pals in Congress. They signed that @$%#*!!! motion to impeach me. IMPEACH ME! The President of the Republic of the Philippines. They left my party. They said they are defecting to the opposition. I think that means they are defective. They are defective friends to me. I am hurts.

Why? Why? Why? Did I not satisfy them as a godfather? Did I not give them funds for their townhouses too?. Did I not cover up their little scams? Huh? One of these days I will make them pay. Especially that Villar and that Drilon.

And now that United Opposition is going to have a rally in EDSA. They say more than 100,000 people will attend. I am not sure if I can print enough land titles to match that. @$%^*!!!

What a depressing day, Dear Diary. I will get a bottle of conya...cong...cogni...oh @$%^*!!! gin na nga lang. More later...

2000-11-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I'm still working on making Cory and Gloria attend the meeting on Monday. That senior politician guy Ramos already said yes. I hope the girls would come. I hate to think what the people would think if I meet Ramos behind closed doors.

Last thing I want is for people to think I'm gay on top of my other problems. (Of course that would explain Jude...)

2000-11-01T00:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

I offered my hand in reconciliation, both of them in fact. But they made me bastos. Huwag daw sila takutin. Aba! What did I did? I only appeared on TV with the officers of the military and the PNP. What is wrong with that?

But I am not giving up on Aquino and Macapagal. I will keep at it. I will keep at it until they leave the country.

(Hmmm...kasya pa kaya sa akin yung uniporme ng sundalo dun sa isa ko'ng pelikula?)

2000-10-30T07:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today I made speech power again. This time in TV. I saids that I will make...whatchamacalit again?
I will make "sweeping reforms". I will sweep away the reforms. That did not sound right. What the hay.

My sweeping reforms have five points:

1. I will hold a meeting so we can meet about how to solve this crisis. That old far...I mean, the senior politician Ramos is invited
2. I will hold a meeting with Gloria so she can be in charge of the economics. So they won't blame me for a change.
3. I will hold a meeting with my relatives so they can get out of these corporations. They're worthless now, anyway.
4. I forgot about number four.

2000-10-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Buti na lang there is storm this weekend. No new protest action. No new mansion of mine being discovered. Even the weather is on my side.

I think I'll just stay in bed and make sweet love to my dearest Loi. Its too much hassle to go to my other wives in this weather.

I have a full, healthy, sex life. Unlike that old fart Ramos. How about thats, Fidel? I bets you and Ming can barely stir in bed. Hahaha! I am so funny.

2000-10-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

The opposition formed a united front. It's called the United Opposition Front. Pwe!

Don't they know it's a futile efforts? Why, I have most of Congress with me! I know who's behind this. It's that old fart Ramos again. It's that Promdisyano Osmena's pakana. Anak ng Jue.. ehem...Sama ka beach!

Those guys really don't know what they're doing. What a terrible name: 'opposition'. The peoples aren't that dumb. They know what it means! It means to oppose. In Tagalog, kontra! So ibig sabihin, sila ang kontrabida! So sino ba kalaban ng kontrabida? Edi bida! Sino ba kalaban nila? By golly, edi ako! Ako ang bida! Alam ng tao yan!

Hirap kasi ng iba di nagbabasa ng script.

Galing ko talaga. Yeh!

2000-10-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Happy news! Now that the pesos is 51 to a dollar, I come closer to achieving my goal. The day that we become a hundred to one is a glorious (bad word...reminds me of someone)...happy day.

Imagine, the peso would be getting good odds 100 : 1 !
Yes! You can never find betterer odds than that.

2000-10-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Some of my employees resigned today. They say I have lost my moral authority to govern. What the hell is that? Moral authority?

My economic advisers told me that the exchange rate is now 51 pesos for every dollar. Betterer and betterer!

They say there is a crisis in confidence. How can that be? I am still confident. This is all going to be betterer, right?

Right?

2000-10-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I made speech power today. I feel a bit better now. I have a summary execution below:

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome.

Because of my brilliant leadership and the support of my beloved Filipino people, we are finally rescued the three Malaysian hostages. 17 down, 2 more to go. 50 dollars, 1 peso. Yeh!

Congratulations to me and the brave, bold, soldiers of the Armed Forces of the Philippines. Due to our quick,decisive action and superior stratosphere, the tens of thousands of soldiers were able to corner and incapacity the armed bandits.

This is truly a sign from above. Erap Good. Gloria Bad. Yeh!

2000-10-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Today I gots email from my science and technology advisor, who is my drinking buddy. The email told me about elagda. Stupid fools. They misppell ilagda! Who in their right mind will want to click this link?

This site wants 1 million people to prove that i must resign. But I will not resign! Erap para sa mahirap! Yeh!

I have so many, many emenies now, dear diary. So many I can no longer count them with my fingers. I have more enemies than wives now, which is bad.

2000-10-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just thought about it. I am more inclined not to get the puppy. I'll be adding fadder...pader...fodeer...amonition...ammuu...I might be adding bala for them. Imagine they'll be calling the puppy "Tuta ni Erap." Poor doggie.

Good thing I have foreskin. I was able to think ahead. With a mind like mine, it's scary.

2000-10-24T02:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I do not see the fuss over Boracay and the other houses I own. I mean a man's house is his castle diba? So that means as the cliche went, why not have a castle? Yes often times I have a White Castle but that is not an issue. Mistress are human beings too. They need houses where they can sleep but a house is no good if you can't sleep in it. By golly, I don't understand. It's their basic human rights to have homes. They have feelings too. See? I'm a sensitive person. I'm a giving person.

Speaking of which my kumpare Atong is giving me a puppy I think. I'm not sure if I'm going to accept it though. Those misrepresantathieves might think it's a bribe. I haven't seen it. It's strange kasi...he kept saying it's a big surprise pero di niya ko maloloko. But over the phone Atong kept saying "It's a big puppy."

Which is really a hassle. I need to know how big the puppy is because I need to find a house for it. Probably in the Mandaluyong area again.

2000-10-23T01:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Things are still bad for me, Dear Diary. Its all too many problem sometimes. I want a puppy, a soft brown puppy dog and with brown puppy eyes. Oh puppy, puppy, puppy...

Ehem. Today some accountant arrived from the states to teste...testi...testo...to talk about my involvement supposed in that @$#%*! scandal. Shit! Wouldn't they give it a rest for me already?

2000-10-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I..Me...Ako...(I'm so proud) finally figured out what causeds the brownout. I told my advisors "Shut down PAGCOR." They thought I said "Shut down NAPOCOR."

I am surrounded by idiotses. No wonder I'm in hot water.

Tomorrow I shall idiot proof the government: I shall issue a memoranda...memorandum...a memo that from then on no government institution shall end with the same last three letters.

2000-10-20T01:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

There was blackout in the whole Luzon today. I went parachute. I thought those idiots would finally do something idiotic. "Coup! coup!" I cry to my dear wife Loi. "They cut the power from the palace! They're going to take my mistresses and my townhouses and ship me to Hawaii!!! Aaaarrrgh! The dark!"

Then my dearest Loi slapped me in the face. She told me i am an idiot. I just forgot to turn the switches on again. There is generators in my palace.

But the whole Luzon had no power. Maybe it was because of the gelatin fishes again. Damn those gelatin fishes. Maybe they are being controlled by my idiot enemies. But I know what they are thinking. Hahaha. I am so smart.

2000-10-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

How could that old prude Cory, and that old fart Ramos call me to resign? The people still loves me.

Yesterday I visited my beloved Filipino people, in Commonwealth Avenue. They all shout my name and promise to support me. Erap para sa mahirap! I will not resign! Screw Singson! Yeh!

They are so good, the Filipino people of Commonwealth Avenue. That is the reason I gave them land titles and cash. Thanks God for the Presidential Livelihood Fund.

2000-10-19T01:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you again. My friends are...is...accusing me of abandoning them. First there's Mark Jimenez. I helped him. I helped him a lot. Now he accusing me of dropping him. How should I know? It's not my problem anymore that
he will be extradate...ekstra...extrada...will be brought to the States. It's his problem anymore.

Honestly, I thought he was Joyce Jimenez's brother. That's why he became my friend. He misrepresented himselves you know? Like those congressmen. The shouldn't be called representatives. They should be called misrepresentatives. Ha.ha.ha. I am so witty. That's why I'm president.

2000-10-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's been some times since i wrote on you, Diary. As a matter of fact, it has been a while since I last wrote anything at all. Or read, for that matter.

I am writing to you again, Dear Diary, because of what is happening the past few days. I am so sad, Dear Diary. Things are so bad for me.

Yesterday, these %$#@* congressmen filed a case to impeach me. IMPEACH ME!!! The President of the Republic of the Philippines. They are so idiots, these congressmen. That is why they are only congressmen, and I'm the President. They're just angry because I am not giving them enough money for their district, and their townhouses and their mistresses. Well, d-oh! I have townhouses and mistresses too, you know. You
don't see me whining about how hard it is to make a living these days. If they want some money, they should gamble for it themselves.